spring break

It's Spring Break!

We have no plans, and I intend on capitalizing on that plan! :)
I have an ever so exciting life scheduled with extra laundry:
sheets, rugs, window washing... I know it's exciting right?

That's it.. no more plans, and feeling genuinely content with that.


We spent our easter weekend at the very very bottom. I felt like we'd been thrown back to square one. It was really really hard for us, hard on me, especially. In a different way, hard for Mike. I wasn't home when his brother called and he was left to tell me and then pick up the pieces of my broken heart. It was, however, a VERY healing time for us. We spent a lot of time crying together, talking together, and just really deciding how we wanted to move forward. In some ways, I know that I truly grieved for the first time over that weekend.

After our miscarriage, I pushed incredibly hard to keep moving. I never stopped and allowed myself to be sad. I felt guilty for feeling sad, because although it was real to us, it wasn't real to anyone else. I think the following sums up my keep going attitude:

We found out on Halloween we'd lost the baby. That night we participated in Trunk or Treat, which is a huge carnival for halloween our church does. The next day I played for a fall choir concert, and the following day, which was a friday, I went into the hospital for my D&C. That's how our life was. Following the weekend, that Monday I went back to work. I made the obligatory calls I needed to make and our life went on. While, perhaps pushing through was not the best method, at the time, it was the only way I knew how to deal with it all.

For a long time, I just did what I needed to do. It's a very dark, lonely, place to be after a miscarriage. I spent hours crying. I cried the day I packed away all of the maternity clothes we bought. Mike and I cried together when we stored away all the baby stuff that friends and family had gotten for us. (which we did several weeks later, because we couldn't bring ourselves to do it until then) Unless you've been there, it is truly an unexplainable time in your life. It hurts like you would never imagine, and I will not try to explain that here.

As we look towards the future. Simply stated: We are scared.

We are so completely terrified of this happening again. We don't want to lose another baby. I can't tell you how much it hurts to lose a baby you love so much, yet have never met. For me personally, it feels\felt like my body betrayed me in the simplest, most beautiful act, a woman's body can do. I'm scared to do it again, because, on a very basic level, I have no assurance that it will not happen again. For me... pregnancy ends in heartbreak, not joy, and that's all I know.

So.. we pray, we talk, and we lean on each other, knowing that God DOES have a plan for us, whether we understand it or not. God knows and understands our pain and we have to trust in that; have faith in that.
Because in the end, that's all we do have...
Trust and Faith in a God who is powerful beyond all measure and knows our deepest desires.